| Vince Capano is a two time winner of the prestigious Quill and Tankard writing award for humor from the North American Guild of Beer Writers. Vince's column is now a regular feature of beernexus.com Check back often for the next installment of Vince's Adventures in Beerland |
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| Bar Observer by Vince Capano If you hang around a pub long enough you’re sure to find something that makes you smile. In addition to the beer that is. All you have to do is look and listen – become a “bar observer”. Bring a pen, notebook and enjoy. If anyone asks what you’re doing just pretend you’re writing a novel. If you need a title, try “The Girl with the Beer Drinking Dragon Tattoo”. It should fool most of the people at the bar, or at least those who have been there six or seven hours. Anyway, I did just that the last night and it paid off in quite of bit of entertainment - all without a cover charge. Herein is my report. As I was enjoying a pint of Founders Harvest IPA at a local craft beer oasis, a couple sat down one seat over from me. It was clearly a first or second date. The male, in an effort to impress, loudly ordered a bottle of “Bud Light for me and a Coors Light for the lady”. The bartender promptly placed the Coors in front of the macho man and the Bud in front of his companion. To the bartender’s credit, neither was served with a glass. I took that as a gesture to the integrity of those same vessels that at one time had held Kentucky Breakfast Stout, Chimay, Westmalle, St. Bernardus, and countless other great beers at this bar. The guy looked at both bottles and promptly switched them saying to his lady friend, “this one is yours. The bartender here isn’t very good, she wasn’t paying attention”. Huh? How could anyone tell the difference in taste (or lack thereof) between these two beers? I was ready to set him straight and thereby defend the reputation of our bartender but realized it’s never good to argue with an idiot. This guy would drag me down to his level and beat me with experience. I leisurely ordered another pint of the Founders and turned my attention to the TV. The evening news was just coming on. Did you ever notice how they begin with “good evening” and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t? I was quickly distracted by a voice saying, to no one in particular, “this beer is so good I want to hug it.” The voice belonged to my friend Mike, a craft beer aficionado, who was drinking “Stone Vertical Epic 10”. He graciously offered me a sip and I, just as graciously, acquiesced. No, not because I didn’t believe him. It’s the practical cynic in me. I’m the type of person who will accept it when someone tells me there are 4 billion stars in the universe but has to check if a sign says wet paint. Mike was right; the beer was huggable, and even better, most drinkable. As Mike and I chatted, three females who had clearly been at several bars before this one, rushed in and angrily ordered Lemon Drop shots. Unlike some people who bring happiness wherever they go, this group obviously brings it whenever they go. They wanted their shots “NOW!!”. The bartender hesitated and wisely asked for proof of age. At that, they all took offense, umbrage, resentment, and even dislike. One of them began to shout over and over, “I’m really 31 but look 29, you can’t proof me.” I don’t get it either, but don’t expect logic. They were women. I don’t think women will ever be the equal of men ……until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy. The ladies downed their shots, had another round, and started to go. “I need someone to pay the bill” the bartender said matter-of-factly. “How rude” responded the woman who was 31 but looked 29. She turned to a now bemused Mike and asked for a loan. Actually that was a good move. Mike is a pessimist you see and it’s always a good idea to borrow from someone like that. They never expect to get paid back anyway. Mike was saved from his own gallantry when the woman’s friend handed the bartender a credit card. She promptly signed the bill, and simply said “thanks (burp)”. At that the bartender nodded and smiled. She was most professional but she knew the real definition of hospitality – making your guests feel at home even while wishing they were. I looked over at the other side of the bar and began watching an ongoing debate between to purported beer experts. One was saying that Oktoberfest brews were ales; the other insisted they were lagers. Back and forth they went until the lager proponent said in frustration, “I’ll agree with you but all that will mean is that we’re both wrong.” I think they noticed me laughing so I discreetly turned away since anonymity is essential for any real Bar Observer. Seated at a small table right behind me were one of the bar’s usual suspects, Tom, and an attractive blonde. As a self described “Ambassador of Beer” Tom had earlier left is seat next to me to weave his male magic on said blonde. He initial move was slick – he brought two bottles of Duvel to her table , said it was “Belgium Night” at the pub, and he had taken the official Trappist Oath to spread the word of beer. Not the most believable line but he did bring free Duvel so the blonde invited him to join her. They seemed to be hitting it off especially well when Tom began his “never fail joke barrage”. She was chuckling at all the right spots until he dipped into his infamous blonde joke repertoire. At that she cut him off by curtly asking that he get her another Duvel. He dutifully obliged and stood near me as he waited for two more bottles. “Tom, I think she’s sensitive about blonde jokes”. “Don’t worry”, he responded, “I’ll tell them to her slowly”. Needless to say, in short order, Tom got to finish that Duvel seated next to me. I’m looking forward to being a Bar Observer again tonight. And, no, I don’t worry about seeing the same old thing. Every night things are different. After all, change is inevitable……except from a vending machine. |
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| Bar Observer by Vince Capano |