/Bâd Bir/ 1) A poor quality, inferior, or defective beverage made from
yeast fermented malt, flavored with hops. 2) A fermented beverage
consumed out of a can during frat parties. 3) A novelty beer made with
ridiculous ingredients whose purpose is intended to garner attention.
4) A brewing experiment gone awry where instead of spreading the failed
libation on a farmer's field or added to a septic tank as a bacterial agent,
the brew is re-branded and sold to curious unsuspecting beer geeks.
I believe that when a brewer accomplishes something truly memorable, it
should be recognized whether exceptionally good or incredibly bad.
Usually when a beer it is outstanding it isn't an accident. The ingredients
are high quality, well-chosen, and proportioned to produce a desired
output, and may even be the result of an experienced and controlled
experiment or collaboration of ideas. The brewing process was
accomplished successfully. The beer was packaged, stored, and
transported responsibly, and the product appeals to a variety of
consumers. However, there are cases where it seems the brewer was
either blissfully unaware or willingly ignorant that sterilization is
important, or they have gone out of their way to produce a hideous
novelty beer guaranteed to make you ill, or have concocted some
hellacious marketing stunt to spread their name throughout the land like
a plague. Whatever may be the case, it's time to draw some attention to
those bastards of beers. I'm sure there are thousands. The purpose of
this article is not to list them all, but to get you thinking about "that time
So what is too bad for even the dingiest of frat houses where Natty Ice
doesn't even make the "too poor to pour" list? Unfortunately, I have a
proposal for the imaginary "Fear the Beer" Award, in some particular order
based on a blend of personal opinion, emotion, bad experiences and last
but not least, taste. If one of the following are on your favorite list, I
highly doubt you have read this far.
First, I nominate Ringnes Pils, Norway's most common beer. It tastes
worse than Bud light and costs about ten times as much. It is virtually
scentless, void of any flavors other than being slightly metallic, and is
heavily laden with preservatives and taxes. I fondly remember my first
Ringnes experience, developing a frontal lobe ache before making it to
the bottom of my first glass. There's nothing that says satisfying as well
as a jetlagged hangover from two massively overpriced awful beers!
Double Take IPA- Don't remember what it tastes like immediately after
consumption, but it is extremely cheap (a plus perhaps?). Pairs well with
GHB, Rohypnol or any other Roofies. Perhaps the Worlds cheapest IPA?
Redneck Premium Beer- abv: very little/unknown. They say it's the
"Taste of America". No Redneck, you do not taste like America. You
taste like death and the tears of small children. I had to take a swig of
Vodka to disinfect my mouth. Redneck resembles watered down mule
urine. It pairs well with horse shoes and cow tipping. The upshot: it's
better than DayQuil
Vick's DayQuil – abv.: higher than Redneck Premium Beer. A syrupy
lambic lacking carbonation unless shaken vigorously. Pairs well with Green
Tea and Chicken Soup.
Cave Creek's Chili Beer - Tastes like soapy partly carbonated sewer
water with a marinated and partially putrefied chili pepper added to mask
the flavor and add color. I poured the bulk of the contents down the sink
where it inevitably combined with other fluids of its quality. Pair with
cheap Russian Vodka, a Colt .45 and a single hollow point bullet. Aim well.
Finally: Rogue Voodoo Doughnut Bacon Maple Ale: It's like a
schizophrenic train wreck of beloved dignitaries, pairing perfectly with
Clozapine and a straitjacket. It's a shame, combining things we
love…Applewood smoked bacon, doughnuts, beer…and ruining them
somehow so effectively. Who am I kidding? Bacon, I could never
not like you!
There you have it.