“Don We Now Our Beer Apparel"

In addition to drinking it, beer lovers can evaluate it,
read and write about it, attend festivals and tastings,
sing about it, watch movies about it and collect all sorts
of beer related items and advertising. This month I’d like
to devote a little space to another possibility for beer
fans: wearing it!

Basically there are two types of beer duds: apparel
made strictly for advertising purposes and clothing that
serves the practical purpose of aiding one in his
consumption of the beverage. The former is a more
evident usage so we’ll start with articles of clothing that
we see almost every day.

Perhaps the most common is the beer T-shirt,
promoting almost any brand of beer imaginable, from
Alaskan Amber to Zywiec Polish beer. When bought at a
novelty clothing store or brewery gift shop they can
usually be purchased with the proper fit in mind but
when given away, as most are, at a beer promotional
event, they are invariably distributed only in “X large”,
possibly because the brewery rep wants to help
recipients to hide their beer bellies. This is not an
attractive offer for a slightly built girl of tiny stature, but
if she dons the free shirt she creates another article of
beer clothing, the Beer Tent!

Next on the most commonly seen list are beer hats of
several kinds. Baseball caps displaying the Brooklyn
lager or Bud logo are seen everywhere but generally one
must attend a beer event to see other specialty pieces
of beer headgear such as the combination knitwear and
flattened beer can watch cap or the large and boxy
helmet style made from empty 12 pack cartons. Both of
these fashion statements are available on line, the last
at the bargain basement price of $20 plus $7.95
shipping and handling.

To properly clothe the opposite end of the anatomy
from the head we have beer shoes, again offering
footwear for any occasion from canvas tennis shoes
with a Pabst Blue Ribbon logo for casual wear, to the
high end ladies’ dress shoe featuring spike heels
fashioned to look like upside down tall neck bottles for
really dressy occasions.

A variation on this exquisite design is the “pilsner glass
complete with head” spike heel, particularly popular at
the annual banquet of dedicated Walmart shoppers.
Beer socks, both generic and brand specific, for
everyday use and stockings for the spike heels with a
small beer glass pattern are available for those wishing
to complete the lower half of the beer ensemble.

Beer walking shorts, beer lounging pants, beer pajamas
and beer dresses advertising brands or just generic
cans ,bottles and glasses are nice additions to a beer
wardrobe and serve to put the rest of the world on
notice that a beer lover is passing by.

Fourth floor! This floor for men’s undergarments and
ladies’ lingerie! No male beer geek should be without at
least one pair of beer boxer shorts, (I have three,
thanks to my kids and Father’s Day) and certainly a
must for the distaff malt beverage fan is the beer thong
proclaiming “I’m Here for the Beer….Beer Goddess!”.

Also for the ladies, a more modest beer nightie makes
for a restful night’s sleep and, for the gents, “A” shirts,
more commonly referred to as “wife beaters” or “Guinea
T’s” can be had with either beer logos or inane
questions like “Where’s my Beer Bitch?”

To complete any outfit, accessories are always
necessary and here again, the beer geek has numerous
options. Belts, ties, tie pins and clasps promoting
various beers are practical indeed. Nothing like a Miller
High Life belt to hold up your Budweiser walk shorts or
a Yuengling tie clasp to keep your Genny Cream tie in
place. Beer watches and sunglasses are other practical
examples of beer promos.

Jewelry is not to be forgotten. One website offers over
3000 styles of beer cuff links. I am partial to the tiny
Red Stripe beer bottle earrings I found on another.

If it gets chilly, beer windbreakers, scarves, hoodies and
sweatshirts help to keep out the cold. My Buffalo lager
sweatshirt is perfect for raking leaves but my “Brew
Crew” hoodie with my Molson scarf is more appropriate
for shoveling snow.

It’s never too early to start appreciating beer. Beer
themed “onesies” are perfect for keeping infants warm
and toasty.

The above wardrobe items, while attractive and practical,
do nothing to enhance the drinking of beer, so it’s on to
the most USEFUL applications of beer dress.

Previous” Beer My Way” articles have made reference to
The Drinking Hat, a piece of headgear holding two cans
with a tube extending to the mouth allowing for gravity
fed, hands free drinking from the top of one’s head.
Optional accessories for this hat are the beer holster,
holding one to six reserve cans, worn around the waist,
or the twelve can “ammo pack”, worn over the shoulder
like an infantryman’s bandolier of extra bullets.

The Drinking Hat itself may be purchased “no frills” or ,
for an extra charge, with a built in electric sign that
enables the wearer to express his opinion on the beer
or anything else at all, similar to the destination sign on
a bus.

For those unfortunates who don’t own a Drinking Hat
and have to use their hands, the wearing of beer gloves
keeps the beer cold and the hands warm.

An appropriate item for today, October 31, is a beer keg
costume with a working tap helmet and pump. I only
saw this interesting piece of apparel on line so I can’t
testify as to whether or not it actually works, but if it
does, why would a beer enthusiast need any other
clothing?

As practical as is the keg costume, so is the beer bra
which turns any A cup into a double D and dispenses
beer by means of a tap and spigot. I haven’t seen this
in operation either, but I imagine that as the beer flows,
the double Ds would revert back to As, causing anyone
appreciating the cleavage to stare in wonder as it
disappears.

While some refer to beer koozies as “beer condoms”,
they’re not really worn and so shouldn’t be mentioned
here. But what occasionally IS worn is a REAL beer
condom. I have in my collection of breweriana a Rogue
Dead Guy Ale condom. The name seems like kind of an
anomaly, though, since “Dead Guy” is an entirely
inappropriate name for those occasions when the
condom might actually be worn!

But that’s enough for now. A glance at my Pabst Blue
Ribbon watch tells me it’s time to don my Yuengling
windbreaker and depart for band rehearsal


Cheers!



Dan
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