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Some years ago, while waiting in a supermarket
checkout line and listening to the preceding shopper
argue with the cashier over a nickel , I noticed a
headline that seemed to leap off the page of a
newspaper offered for sale: “MERMAID FOUND IN CAN
OF TUNA” proclaimed the boldfaced type.
The dispute over the nickel escalated to include the
front end supervisor, who was making repeated and
apparently unheard calls to the frozen food manager
for a “price check”. This delay afforded the time to
actually delve into the article, which was accompanied
by unretouched photos of a tiny mermaid, comatose
from her accidental inclusion into a can of Star-Kist.
The paper was TheWeekly World News, of which I
eventually became an avid reader.
Where else but in the Weekly World News can one get
the inside scoop that is not offered by conventional
papers, electronic media, or even on-line blogs? No sir,
only The Weekly World News can offer it’s readers
breaking news on Space Aliens, Bat-boys, abominable
snowmen, insurance men with three foot long
tongues, and 784 pound strippers. They even once
reported that Albert Einstein frequently wore a
drinking hat. Reflecting on that article made me think
of other news which might have been reported in what
it’s devotees refer to as “The Paper” if I had been it’s
“beer reporter”:
“MAN EXPLODES AFTER DRINKING
THREE CASES OF BUD”
Fred “Ox” Schmidlap, of Dubuque , Iowa
spontaneously exploded and vaporized after
consuming 36 cans of Budweiser at a community picnic
over Labor Day weekend. The adjoining before photo
would depict Fred, happily holding a frosty can, while
the after picture would merely be a shot of the scene
of the explosion showing nothing more than the
tattered shreds of Fred’s John Deere hat in the
foreground, a testament to the absolute power of
Anheuser-Busch!
“TITANIC SURVIVOR KEPT ALIVE BY BASS ALE”
“The Paper” has previously reported on survivors of
the Titanic disaster found floating and un-aged after
ninety years, but has never offered an explanation of
how these lives were sustained. I would have reported
on yet another rescuee who satisfied his hunger and
thirst by consuming the “liquid bread” provided by a
pallet full of 1912 era Bass Ale that miraculously
bobbed to the surface after the ship went down. He
was down to his last six-pack when picked up by a
passing freighter.
“BIGFOOT PREFERS COOR’S LIGHT”
Only “The Paper” has given millions of readers hot
scoop on sightings of the Sasquatch, even publishing
photos of a “Bigfoot” hooker propositioning an eager
Bill Clinton, seated in the backseat of an automobile
driven by Ted Kennedy. As “beer editor” I’d have
written a story detailing the drinking habits of the
Sasquatch and informing readers, that, defying the
obvious, these strange beings do not like Sierra
Nevada ,s Bigfoot Barleywine Ale. In fact, readers
would have been presented with a whole gallery of
snapshots showing an entire family of Bigfeet swilling
can after can of Coor’s Light!
“EIGHT MONTH OLD BABY
WEIGHS 376 POUNDS”
We’ve all seen pictures of this portly babe but have
not been privy to the information on how he got that
way. My research would have found that his mother
read somewhere that Guinness is sometimes referred
to as “mother’s milk”, so Mom elected to substitute
Guinness Foreign Extra Stout for Similac, resulting in a
super heavy but happy infant. Luckily for Mom, she
resides in the Amazon jungle, otherwise DYFS would
have something to say about this matter.
‘SANTA CLAUS IS AN ALCOHOLIC’
It stands to reason that Santa, in the course of
visiting billions of homes on Christmas Eve and having
a little nip at more than a few, would develop a taste
for adult beverages. But only my pen would have
reported that Santa established a huge brewery at the
North Pole, in which he forced the elves to work under
sweatshop conditions to brew enough “winter ale” to
slake his unquenchable thirst! Perhaps Santa’s red
cheeks are caused by something other than nippy ai
‘NO BEER IN HELL’
According to the lively polka of the same name, in
Heaven there is no beer. Since Heaven is a desirable
final destination, one can only wonder why this great
beverage would not be available there. In depth
reporting by The Weekly World News would have also
investigated the alternative and discovered that Satan
had closed down all brewing operations in the
netherworld to further torture his guests, whose only
relief from the flames had been an occasional tankard
of ale. According to first hand testimony of a few who
managed to escape, Hell was horrible but somewhat
bearable until the beer ration was discontinued.
‘PIZZA SERVED AT LAST SUPPER’
A recent article by “The Paper” reported that pizza was
served at the Last Supper, and illustrated by a
photograph of a Domino’s deliveryman standing
behind Jesus with one hand holding a stack of pies and
the other extended for a gratuity. Imagine asking the
Lord for a tip! How irreverent can you get? At any
rate “The Paper” left out a fact that I managed to
uncover: the beverage of choice to be served with the
pizza that evening was beer. Since the Last Supper
occurred right around the first Easter, BOCK may well
have been the style served.
‘WILD KEG PARTIES ON
UNDISCOVERED ISLAND ”
According to “The Paper”, there is an island(most likely
in the South Seas) where reside Elvis, Princess Di, JFK,
Jimmy Hoffa, Adolf Hitler and John Lennon, all
apparently alive, in varying conditions of health and
having keg parties on the beach at night. This island is
not on any cruise line’s itinerary, but if it were, it
sounds like a great stop for lovers of beer.
‘NESSIE LIKES SUDS”
I had always suspected that the Loch Ness monster
was the product of Scots’ imaginations after too many
pints of Wee Heavy, until I saw photos on the front
page showing “Nessie” drinking one herself. Positive
proof that the love of beer is universal!.
Perhaps my favorite Weekly World News topic was a
series of articles that ran for several weeks, reporting
on the gay marriage of Saddam Hussein and Osama
bin Laden, complete with pictures of the happy couple
and the honored wedding guests. But, contrary to
devout Muslim teachings, barrels of Rolling Rock were
on hand for the attendees, although Jacques Chirac
preferred to drink wine, most likely holding his glass by
the stem with his pinky extended.
Well, that’s quite enough for now. It’s time to pour a
cold one and settle down to read about a tribe of
pygmies who have been enlisted into Special Forces for
the purpose of capturing bin Laden with poisoned blow
darts!
Cheers!
Dan
glasses up
article from
Dan Hodge!
has to say
these things
and it could
only be
Dan!
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