Vince Capano is a two time winner of the prestigious Quill and Tankard
writing award for humor from the North American Guild of Beer Writers.  

Vince's column is now  a regular feature of beernexus.com
Check back often for the next installment of

Vince's  Adventures in Beerland
            Christmas Gifts for Beer People
                                 by Vince Capano        


It’s that time of year again – mistletoe, holly, and gift giving.  Black Friday has come and
gone and still the shoppers jam the malls struggling to find that perfect present.   Beer
lovers are an especially hard lot to buy just the right gift for since they’re such a finicky
group.  Forget about giving them a silk tie, some socks, or a much needed sweater.  If
you give any of those to a beer guy and they’ll all wind up in the back of the underwear
drawer. So as a public service I offer some gift suggestions for you to give to your beer
loving friend.

How about his very own “beer watch”?   It may be a perverse pleasure but I defy anyone
who is almost sober not be charmed by the face of this marvelous handcrafted timepiece
as a mug fills up and then empties its “beer” contents every 30 seconds.  Not only does it
keep semi-accurate time, it never spills a drop.  It’s a steal at $24.99.

Out just in time for the holiday season is the Beer Pouch Sweatshirt ($39.95 retail, without
hood).  The shirt’s front pouch has an elastic band lining that can hold up to three cans
of beer keeping them safe from the prying eyes of security guards, stadium police, beer
snatching criminals, and even the Dread Pirate Roberts.  And yes, the liner is insulated to
keep your brew properly chilled.  

The iconic Beer Guzzler’s Drinking Hat (available in the colors of your favorite brewery) is
always a winner.   You know the one - two cans in the holders on the hat’s side; connect
the flexible straws and you're ready for any drought, desert trek, or an upcoming dust
bowl visit. While I agree that a beer hat may not the height of fashionable sophistication, it
is eminently practical for hands free beer drinking while also holding two martinis.

Combine the hat with a new beer T-shirt and you have an instant Project Runway
quality ensemble.  There are hundreds of acceptable T-shirts for you to choose from.  
How could anyone resist the shirt that reads “My Indian name is Running With Beer” or
the one that says “I support the draft as long as I can drink it”?  The “Drink, Pee, Repeat”
is another winner, as is the “I limit myself to one beer a day….right now I’m 8 months
ahead” shirt.  If you plan some international travel then the shirt with the word "beer"
printed in twenty- seven different languages is a must.  

I'd be willing to bet that the designers of each of these shirts have made so much money
they could probably retire early....if they didn't have to eat or live in a house.

For a measly $345 (with free shipping from Amazon) you can get the amazing
“BeerTender from Heineken and Krups B95 Home Beer-Tap Machine.”  It features “a
silent cooling system that delivers constant and consistent cooling, keeping the 5L keg at
the ideal temperature of 41 degrees F. Simple to operate, just place a pre-cooled
Heineken Draught Keg into the machine, position the keg's plastic tube into the spout,
close the lid, and it's ready to go.”

What a deal.... for Heineken.  The device only works with “kegs” from their brewery.  A
further dis-incentive is that the beer is most likely as skunky in the keg as it is in the bottle.


One gift that’s difficult to pass up is the “ amazing magic beer mug lamp”, with a 30-watt
bulb included. It emits a warm yellow glow the exact color of a Budweiser.  And there’s
more.  The “magic beer mug lamp” is also suitable for basic hypnosis thanks to the ever
cascading bubbles that flow in the mug and form the phrase "You are getting thirsty...
very thirsty."

New this year for the politically incorrect beer drinker is the “Jingle Babe Can Cooler”.  It’s
a neoprene insulated foam can holder featuring a curvaceous woman with a set of
strategically placed jingle bells.  Shake your beer can and enjoy the jingle.  With a little
practice you could probably play the entire Hallelujah chorus while squirting at least a
dozen people with beer.

You really can’t go wrong if you give the “Bell Beer Mug”.  It’s exactly what it says it is – a
mug with a small bell attached.  When your words become slurred you just simply ring the
bell calling for your next round.  And if one too many puts you down for the count one
your buddies can ring the bell signaling the KO.  

If your gift receiver has put on a few pounds recently like me, I heartily recommend the
Official Beer Lovers Weight Loss Program guide.  It’s free at most liquor stores around
the country.  The catch is you have to buy a case of beer. The program’s five steps are
fully illustrated to show you just how to use the case to achieve “all your weight loss
goals”.  
Step one– remove bottles from case.  
Two - place each bottle on floor.  
Three - pick bottles up and replace in case.
Four – repeat as needed.    
Five - drink when done to replenish fluid loss.

If you give someone the Weight Loss guide it’s probably a good idea to combine it with an
inflatable plastic beer logo chair so they can comfortably recover after their strenuous
workout.  Gee, what a surprise - none of the chairs feature the logo of any of the seven
Trappist breweries but take heart, Coors and Bud models are readily available.

To avoid the embarrassment of a deflated inflatable chair you might want to go first class
and give the Shiner Beer Chair.  The chair is top of the line.  The seat and backrest are
constructed from .075 (14 Gauge) steel. Sides are constructed from .250 (1/4 inch) steel
plate with 2 cup holders. Stainless steel hardware is included for durability and easy
assembly. The classic Shiner Beer colors red, yellow and brown are a baked-on high-
quality super polyester industrial powder finish. Legs have mounting holes for wood or
concrete anchoring.  It’s available for $275 plus shipping.  At that price it’s a steal… of
your $275.

Some beer drinkers are the nervous type.  For them I would recommend you purchase a
“Tranquility Beer Fountain”, a 42-inch high metal sculpture of unidentifiable beer cans
over which pours a recycled stream of faux beer (patent pending).   Ah, there’s nothing
quite as relaxing as the sound of fake beer clattering on empty cans.

Wondering what to give a beer drinking old-timer that will help them find their “lost” brew
during a senior moment?  The “Belcher Beer Pager” is the answer. All you have to do is
put your can or bottle into the special holder and clip a remote onto your belt. Now, when
you forget where you put it down there’s no need to worry.  Just press the red button on
the remote and a powerful radio signal will seek out the beer. Red lights will flash and the
cup holder will begin to burp loudly.

The Beer Pager works from up to 60 feet, and even through walls. There are three
different styles to choose from. The Golfer version emits a whooshing golf ball sound
hitting a hole, the Biker version emits the sound of a revving engine, and the Original
Belcher responds with a huge belch.  The 4 AAA batteries needed are not included, nor
is an automated post belch “excuse me”.

Oh, don’t let the lack of batteries deter you.  There’s a better than even chance that
someone will give your beer loving friend a pack of batteries with a note that reads, “gift
not included”.  

So there you have it.  All of my gift recommendations are real products and currently
available online.  Any of them would fill even an Ebenezar Scrooge with holiday cheer.  

One last suggestion.  If all else fails, several six packs of craft beer makes a most
acceptable gift.  In fact, it's probably the best present of all since there is absolutely
nothing that goes better with Ho-Ho-Ho than hops-hops-hops!
Christmas Gifts for Beer People
by
Vince Capano