| Vince Capano is a two time winner of the prestigious Quill and Tankard writing award for humor from the North American Guild of Beer Writers. Vince's column is now a regular feature of beernexus.com Check back often for the next installment of Vince's Adventures in Beerland |
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| The Pub 'Regular' by Vince Capano Being a pub regular is an experience like few others in life. Even a world traveling beer celebrity like the late Michael Jackson often said he preferred being in his local where he wasn’t known as the famous Beer Hunter but as just another regular. He reveled in the fact that as a regular his usual beer was already being poured before his rear end hit the stool. He loved knowing that once he stepped into the pub friendly greetings from the management, staff, and fellow bar denizens would be instantly forthcoming. The good news is that you don’t have to be a beer celebrity to get all of this; all you have to do is become a “regular”. Be forewarned however that being a regular at a pub doesn’t guarantee you will be a welcome one. Mumbled after that greeting from the owner could be “here comes the slob who threw up in the parking lot”; the staff might smile at you but be thinking “here’s the jerk that always leaves a $.50 tip”, and those brother bar denizens might be saying “there’s the loser who never buys a round”. Or, in other words, they know the real you. Still, instead of bouncing from bar to bar in a never ending journey to quench that unquenchable beer lust, there are undeniable reasons why you should make one pub your home. When you’re a regular everyone really does know your name. Instead of the bartender asking “what are you having buddy”, “pal” or “sir” (reserved for those in a tux or mega- millions lottery winners), he’ll be asking “what do you want Seymour?” Ok, so he might have forgotten your name was George, but Seymour is still better than “pal”. As a regular you’ll know where the restroom is located. While it’s always difficult for a male to ask directions about anything, it’s especially awkward to have to ask about the bathroom. In fact, even calling it a bathroom demands thought. Should you ask for the washroom, the john, the urinal, the boys’ room, or the potty place? Regulars are saved that indignity and as an added bonus, don’t have to raise their hand and ask the bartender for permission to go. By virtue of the vast knowledge you have gained by having put in hours, weeks, and months watching the pub’s TV, a regular has extra latitude in joining, without solicitation, any bar conversation located within two stool lengths of him. While bar etiquette requires that non-regulars focus straight ahead and not interrupt any chatting individuals under penalty of empty threats of semi-violent retribution, a regular is considered a quasi-host and is therefore duty bound to interject his opinions. A regular is entitled to interrupt anyone to recommend a beer, menu item, or, for that matter, a horse in the third race at Aqueduct. If a regular’s interruption inadvertently causes offense to a group at the bar, too bad for them. That rule holds unless, of course, the group you’ve ticked off consists of several behemoths from the offensive line of the NY Giants. Then the phrase “let me pick up a round” should get you out of any difficulty. While regulars vary as much as anyone in the time it takes to finish a pint they do have one trait in common - when their glass is empty they want a refill. Herein lays yet another bonus of being a regular. The bartender knows just when he should start pouring your next pint. There is nothing worse than to have to frantically wave at the bartender begging and pleading for him to take your money in exchange for another beer. In cases such as this, the non-regular quickly learns that Arrogant Bastard can be a person as well as a beer. A regular gets to experience one of the true comforts of life, a refill just when he wants it. I know a fast drinking regular who wants, and gets, a second pint set down at the moment his first is lifted from the beer mat. As for me, I personally favor having my next one waiting just as my current glass hits ¾ empty. Note that’s ¾ empty, not ¼ full. To a serious beer drinker the glass is always more empty than full. As a regular you will become a human Google. You will be sought out by bar transients as a source of information on any topic. This is totally justifiable since after a few pints a regular is capable of, with little or no encouragement, expounding upon topics ranging from the Star Trek sub-plots and minor characters (original series of course) to the theory of relativity. With near mystical insights, regulars seem to have an innate fairness that makes them capable of settling almost any dispute. Indeed, pub regulars are officially recognized in several states as the In Substitutia Judge Judy and thereby qualified to levy fines of one pint or less. Another perk of a regular is that he can expect a careful pour from the bartender no matter how crowded the pub might be. They’ll be no rushing of that Guinness or half-hearted pulls on the hand pump. A regular will never be given a chilled glass and it will always be pristine and soap residue free. Usually. And most importantly, a regular’s beer will never, ever be served in a Coors’ Light glass. Nothing is worse than settling in at bar, waiting for the big game to begin, and seeing that the TV channel is tuned to a PBS rerun of Jacque Pierre’s Effete Cooking show. (I was going to say a hockey game but I understand that BeerNexus has more readers in Canada than in France.) Regulars never have this problem since they get to pick the TV channel. Of course as a regular you are expected to select a sporting event. At my local almost anything is considered a sport including the World’s Strongest Man contest, the World Series of Poker, and the Westminster Dog Show. ESPN Classics count too. Wagering a pint with a bar newbie on the outcome of the 1968 second round playoff game of the NBA is a staple of a regular’s bar activity. (For the record, take the Knicks and 3). Perhaps best of all is that the regular gets to make many a new friend. The people you will see at the bar week in and week out may not be relatives, work colleagues, or neighbors. They may not share your interests, politics, beliefs, or dreams. In fact you may share nothing with them other than a common meeting place and a willingness to enjoy a pint of the best beverage in the world. What better foundation for true and lasting friendships could there be? And that’s really what makes being a regular at a local pub so unique and wonderful. |
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| The Pub 'Regular' by Vince Capano |