| Vince Capano is a two time winner of the prestigious Quill and Tankard writing award for humor from the North American Guild of Beer Writers. Vince's column is now a regular feature of beernexus.com Check back often for the next installment of Vince's Adventures in Beerland |
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| Scholar of Suds By Vince Capano All I really ever needed to know about life I learned at the Gaslight Pub. Far fetched? Nope. Spend some time at this establishment in South Orange, NJ, enjoy some great beer, and always, always, bring a notebook. If you pay careful attention, study hard, never miss a glass then I guarantee you one great education at “Gaslight University”. History is big at the Gaslight. Lesson one from the proprietor and the institution’s Dean, Dan Soboti, revealed that beer was the real reason the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock. Seems they were running out of it and couldn’t wait any longer to find a better docking site. Really. That’s having your priorities in order. Forget the milk and eggs, we need beer! Our second lesson revealed that Washington, Jefferson, and Adams were all home brewers. And how about the fact that by 1686 the veritable Harvard College itself had 3, count them 3, brew houses on campus. I guess that’s one definition of higher education. Professor Soboti went on to tell us that Ben Franklin was fond of saying, “ there can’t be good living where there is not good drinking” and Martha Washington beleived that "ale must be had at least twice a day." No tea parties for them, unless it was in Boston. In the classical history seminar I learned that it was Sophocles who personally recommended “….bread, meat, vegetables and beer” to the citizens of the world. And who could resist ordering another pint when we were told that the revered Plato advised “he was a wise man who invented beer.” I got extra credit for inserting “and drinks it too”. Prefer literature? Wizened lecturer Dr. Dan Hodge, who usually holds classes along the right side of the Gaslight’s polished dark hued bar so as to be closer to the taps, often quotes luminaries of the written word. Last night he read some Henry Miller: “You think man needs rule, he needs beer. The world does not need your morals it needs beer….”. Talk about insight! Dr. Hodge followed that with an equally moving selection by Thomas Hardy: “it was the most beautiful colour that the eye of an artist in beer could desire, full in body, yet brisk as a volcano, piquant, yet without twang, luminous as an autumn sunset”. Obviously he was describing Gaslight’s Eliminator Ale. Almost too picturesque to drink. Almost. I do admit to struggling a bit in the foreign language courses. Language instructor Jeff Levine carefully explained to his rapt students that if a beer ‘s name ends in “ator”, a most prestigious suffix, it’s a dopple bock at 18.5 Plato or higher. Huh? I knew I should have held off going to the rest room during the prerequisite course, “Homer Simpson from Duff to Bock”. I next sat in on the Philosophy class under the direction of grad assistants Brian Lynch and Vin & Judy O’Malley. Nice folks but they lost me with the depths of the questions. I was in trouble with the very first query: “It’s necessary of course that each Budweiser have a born on date to indicate freshness but why is there an expiration date on sour cream?” Duh. Their next question was even more esoteric: “a bartender can draw a draft, but how can anyone draw a blank?” Double duh. Finally I knew it was time to leave when they asked, “if something as complex as ale is only three letters long shouldn’t there be a shorter word for “monosyllable”? Quick, I need another glass of Eliminator. Scientific stuff? No problem. Give me an original gravity of each ale in that " black and tan" you ordered and I will instantly know if you'll get that prized two levels of glorious colors. Instructor DJ Soboti demonstrated how the Gaslight’s Perfect Stout is an ideal match with the Pirate Pale but not the scotch ale. To tell the truth I’d gladly drink either one, separation or not. Worried about your health? Guest lecturer Larry “The Beer Sage” Bremmer, holds his well attended seminars next to the popcorn machine. In his last class he happily cited the Journal of Agricultural and Food Chemistry that said beer contains prenylated flavonoids, which are better sources of antioxidants than red wine, green tea and soy products. My goodness. Could beer be that elusive fifth food group? After completing the required courses I bravely took the four pint tasting exam. I easily identified the first glass as Gaslight’s Illuminator, a delightful strong ale whose subtle kick was warming to the toes. I hit another bullseye on pint number two - it was the Eliminator, a heavenly honey maibock, golden hued and honey laden, it’s 8.2% ABV providing a most bracing depth. The pressure began to build as I stepped up to glass number three. Bingo. This was clearly the Detonator, an “oh my” elixir of power who’s smooth balance exploded in a finish that clearly said time to get on the bar and dance. Intoxicated by my success, not to mention that added pint of Eliminator I had for extra credit, I moved on to level four, the one reserved for those scholars who settle for nothing less than an "A." Needless to say your humble writer can now proudly boast that this semester he will be on the Dean’s List since I hit Number 4 exactly. It was the Terminator, one beer whose name truly speaks for itself. I had done it. Four out of four - Illuminator, Eliminator, Detonator, Terminator. Boooomb. My only unanswered question was if my headache had come from too much learning. |
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| Scholar of Suds by Vince Capano |