ADVENTURES IN BEERLAND
| Vince Capano is a two time winner of the Quill and Tankard writing award from the North American Guild of Beer Writers. Vince's column is now a regular feature of beernexus.com |
The Wisdom of Beer
| Who doesn’t want to know the meaning of life? Some meditate, some study the great philosophers, some climb mountains, some practice transcendental yoga, and some ask their bartender. All are worthy paths to enlightenment but there seems to be an easier way – study old beer slogans. The wisdom of the ages is there for all to behold. What may seem a simple sentence or sentiment is actually a powerful riddle wafting to be unraveled as you will see. “Probably the best beer in the world.” -Carlsberg Beer You can’t ask for a better understanding of reality. Everything is probable; nothing is a sure thing. One day you’re the Employee of the Month, the next day you’re selling faux Rolexes on a 36th Street in Manhattan. One day you think your car will probably get you to work on time, minutes later you’re waiting for a tow truck. “Brewed with Pure Rocky Mountain Spring Water”-Coors Like the old truism – be true to your teeth or they’ll be false to you – Coors is telling us to be true to water or fish will have to drink wine since the water is too polluted. Consider that the Hudson River or Newark Bay, among countless others, could provide lovely candlelight for a romantic picnic with a simple flick of a match into it. The Coors’ message - when it comes to fires, Rocky Mountain Spring Water doesn’t sustain them, it puts them out. “The Beer That Made Milwaukee Famous” – Schlitz Ask any ten people (preferably after they have consumed several Russian Imperial Stouts) to locate Milwaukee on a map and they’d likely point to China. And there’s your lesson - fame is fleeting. Milwaukee became just a funny sounding word once the Schlitz Brewing Company went belly up. Today, despite the resurrection of the brand, the city remains an unknown, mysterious realm obscured by the lack of a indigenous popular beer. So, don’t have your town suffer the fate of Milwaukee – drink local beer! “The Champagne of Bottled Beer” – Miller High Life In most countries, it is illegal to officially label any product Champagne unless it both comes from the Champagne region of France and is produced under the rules of the appellation. Miller shatters that pretentious dribble in five words. Not only do they equate plain old beer with the ballyhooed bubbly they even tout that it’s in a cheap bottle, not on tap. So follow the Miller example of egalitarianism and the next time you meet royalty forget all that bowing and “Your Highness” stuff. Simply address them as Mr. King or Ms. Queenie. That goes for Duchesses and Earls too (unless, of course, if it’s the Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl). “Good things come to those who wait." – Guinness Of course a correctly poured Guinness takes time which is unlike fortune who knocks only once (misfortune however is much more like the Guinness.) There is value in patience. Remember that the next time your glass remains empty because a lazy bartender is chatting on the phone, kibitzing with a waiter, or watching a preseason Professional Curling League game on the bar’s TV. Guinness’ advice to you is clear - develop patience and do it NOW! “Hooray Beer!” - Red Stripe Hooray for beer and everything else no matter how simple or mundane. Follow that advice and you’ll be amazed at how everything becomes a party. Be enthusiastic about going to the grocery store, get fired up over making your morning coffee, feel an adrenaline rush when taking out the trash and above remember if the people at Red Stripe can get that excited to produce a “Jamaican Style Lager” featuring a “taste of Jamaica” that is actually brewed in Latrobe, PA you can get excited at just about anything too. “Head For The Mountains “- Busch Beer Who knew those ex-Presidents opened a brewery? Goes to show you that no matter how powerful you once were you can always return to your drinking roots. Ah, wait; well, maybe it’s one of their poor spelling relatives. A distant one. Regardless of who owns the company their slogan’s message is still worth heeding – take time to relax. All work and no drinking can age a person more quickly than all drinking and no work. And when you head to a mountain (hills, knolls, and inclines are fine too) remember that Busch is an “economy” brand so you can still take another day off from work. “Reassuringly expensive.” - Stella Artois How many times, in an effort to save a few dollars, did you get the house brand of something and had to throw it out because it was so bad? Did you decide against buying the Automatic Bird Excrement Cleaning Device (or ABECD) on your new Rolls Royce Silver Cloud because it was too expensive which led to the total humiliation of your driver at the Chauffeur Convention? Paying for quality will give you peace of mind that it will work. Hello….did you just doze off? Are you even too cheap to pay attention? “It Starts Here” – Molson Everything has to start somewhere. I bet you can’t name one thing that started nowhere because that’s where it would finish. As Mr. Molson often told his employees, “A journey of a thousand steps starts when you get into the car.” No matter how daunting a project may seem it can only be completed after it has begun. Molson practices what it preaches. When they decided to build the world’s largest monument to a keg, roughly the height of a three story building and able to hold beer from over 500,000 cans of Molson Canadian, people said it couldn’t be done. Today the monument stands proudly as the 4,765th most popular tourist attraction in all of the eastern part of North Winnipeg. It would probably be more popular if it was really filled with beer. “The beer drinker’s light beer.” – Amstel Light Now before you ask me is it light in color, light in weight, or a light in the window, it’s important to realize that in 1980, Amstel Light was the first imported light beer to hit the American market. At least now we know who to blame. The key to the story is that today’s Amstel Light has even less calories (35 to be exact) than the original version. That change caused sales to increase to record levels proving that less is more, more or less. “It Doesn’t Get Any Better Than This!” – Old Milwaukee At first glance that’s rather depressing. After all, if Old Milwaukee is the best beer you’re ever going to drink it might be time to switch to martinis. Look deeper and you’ll see the real message. It’s a simple one and perhaps the most important of them all. It doesn’t get any better than this moment - you’re reading BeerNexus right now! =============================== click to contact vince |
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Sept. 2016
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