ADVENTURES IN BEERLAND
Vince Capano
is a two time winner of
the Quill and Tankard
writing award  from the
North American Guild of
Beer Writers.  

Vince's column is now
a regular feature of
beernexus.com
The Wisdom of Beer
Who doesn’t want to know the meaning of life?  Some meditate, some study the great philosophers, some
climb mountains, some practice transcendental yoga, and some ask their bartender.  All are worthy paths to
enlightenment but there seems to be an easier way – study old beer slogans.  The wisdom of the ages is
there for all to behold.  What may seem a simple sentence or sentiment is actually a powerful riddle wafting
to be unraveled as you will see.

Probably the best beer in the world.” -Carlsberg Beer
You can’t ask for a better understanding of reality.  Everything is probable; nothing is a sure thing.  One day
you’re the Employee of the Month, the next day you’re selling faux Rolexes on a 36th Street in Manhattan.  
One day you think your car will probably get you to work on time, minutes later you’re waiting for a tow truck.  

Brewed with Pure Rocky Mountain Spring Water”-Coors
Like the old truism – be true to your teeth or they’ll be false to you – Coors is telling us to be true to  water or  
fish will have to drink wine since the water is too polluted.  Consider that the Hudson River or Newark Bay,
among countless others, could provide lovely candlelight for a romantic picnic with a simple flick of a match
into it. The Coors’ message - when it comes to fires, Rocky Mountain Spring Water doesn’t sustain them, it
puts them out.

The Beer That Made Milwaukee Famous” – Schlitz
Ask any ten people (preferably after they have consumed several Russian Imperial Stouts) to locate
Milwaukee on a map and they’d likely point to China.  And there’s your lesson - fame is fleeting.   Milwaukee
became just a funny sounding word once the Schlitz Brewing Company went belly up.  Today, despite the
resurrection of the brand, the city remains an unknown, mysterious realm obscured by the lack of a
indigenous popular beer.   So, don’t have your town suffer the fate of Milwaukee – drink local beer!

“The Champagne of Bottled Beer” – Miller High Life
In most countries, it is illegal to officially label any product Champagne unless it both comes from the
Champagne region of France and is produced under the rules of the appellation.  Miller shatters that
pretentious dribble in five words.  Not only do they equate plain old beer with the ballyhooed bubbly they
even tout that it’s in a cheap bottle, not on tap. So follow the Miller example of egalitarianism and the next
time you meet royalty forget all that bowing and “Your Highness” stuff.  Simply address them as Mr. King or
Ms. Queenie.  That goes for Duchesses and Earls too (unless, of course, if it’s the Duke, Duke, Duke of
Earl).

“Good things come to those who wait." – Guinness
Of course a correctly poured Guinness takes time which is unlike fortune who knocks only once (misfortune
however is much more like the Guinness.) There is value in patience.  Remember that the next time your
glass remains empty because a lazy bartender is chatting on the phone, kibitzing with a waiter, or watching
a preseason Professional Curling League game on the bar’s TV.  Guinness’ advice to you is clear -  
develop patience and do it NOW!

Hooray Beer!” -  Red Stripe
Hooray for beer and everything else no matter how simple or mundane.  Follow that advice and you’ll be
amazed at how everything becomes a party. Be enthusiastic about going to the grocery store, get fired up
over making your morning coffee, feel an adrenaline rush when taking out the trash and above remember if
the people at Red Stripe can get that excited to produce a “Jamaican Style Lager” featuring a “taste of
Jamaica” that is actually brewed in Latrobe, PA you can get excited at just about anything too.

Head For The Mountains “-  Busch Beer
Who knew those ex-Presidents opened a brewery?  Goes to show you that no matter how powerful you
once were you can always return to your drinking roots.  Ah, wait; well, maybe it’s one of their poor spelling
relatives.  A distant one.  Regardless of who owns the company their slogan’s message is still worth
heeding – take time to relax.  All work and no drinking can age a person more quickly than all drinking and
no work.    And when you head to a mountain (hills, knolls, and inclines are fine too) remember that Busch is
an “economy” brand so you can still take another day off from work.

“Reassuringly expensive.” - Stella Artois
How many times, in an effort to save a few dollars, did you get the house brand of something and had to
throw it out because it was so bad?  Did you decide against buying the Automatic Bird Excrement Cleaning
Device (or ABECD)  on your new Rolls Royce Silver Cloud because it was too expensive which led to the
total humiliation of your driver at the Chauffeur Convention?  Paying for quality will give you peace of mind
that it will work.  Hello….did you just doze off?  Are you even too cheap to pay attention?  

It Starts Here” – Molson
Everything has to start somewhere.  I bet you can’t name one thing that started nowhere because that’s
where it would finish.  As Mr. Molson often told his employees, “A journey of a thousand steps starts when
you get into the car.”   No matter how daunting a project may seem it can only
be completed after it has
begun.  Molson practices what it preaches.  When they decided to build the world’s largest monument to a
keg, roughly the height of a three story building and able to hold beer from over 500,000 cans of Molson
Canadian, people said it couldn’t be done.  Today the monument stands proudly as the 4,765th most
popular tourist attraction in all of the eastern part of North Winnipeg.  It would probably  be more popular if it
was really  filled with beer.

The beer drinker’s light beer.” – Amstel Light
Now before you ask me is it light in color, light in weight, or a light in the window, it’s important to realize that
in 1980, Amstel Light was the first imported light beer to hit the American market.  At least now we know
who to blame.  The key to the story is that today’s Amstel Light has even less calories (35 to be exact) than
the original version.  That change caused sales to increase to record levels proving that less is more, more
or less.  

“It Doesn’t Get Any Better Than This!” – Old Milwaukee
At first glance that’s rather depressing.  After all, if Old Milwaukee is the best beer you’re ever going to drink
it might be time to switch to martinis.  Look deeper and you’ll see the real message.  It’s a simple one and
perhaps the most important of them all.  

It doesn’t get any better than this moment - you’re reading BeerNexus right now!



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click to contact vince
Sept. 2016
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