Beer My Way

                       Troubleshooting Beer

Recently, I bought a new toaster, and with nothing else to do, I actually started
leafing through the little instruction/warranty booklet that came with it. As always,
there was a page entitled “Troubleshooting”, providing tips and pointers on how to
solve any problems with the appliance, the first being “toaster does not heat up”
and offering the recommended solution “be sure that it’s plugged in”.  Obviously,
this would seem like a no-brainer to any sensible person, but upon reflection I
realized that probably 50% of the US population ( the same percentage that voted
for Hillary Clinton) would actually NEED that tip in order to have toast for breakfast.

Further evidence of this was the helpful “tip” I read in an article about planning for
an auto trip vacation which recommended that the gas tank be full before setting
out. Not to be forgotten was the “tip” provided by the booklet for my new snow
blower advising me to “don’t put hands into chute or under machine while machine
is running”. Without that valuable advisement, one could quickly become fingerless.

With those tips in mind, I realized that with all the beer I’ve consumed in my life, I
was never provided with any tips to make make my consumption more pleasurable,
other than instructions on how to use a church key on an early Pabst can in my
collection of breweriana .

Therefore, I figured that 50% of the population might possibly need assistance in
drinking beer and herewith proudly present “Beer My Way’s”  “Troubleshooting
Beer Guide”, listing all the problems with and recommended solutions to enjoying a

PROBLEM                                             SOLUTION

1.   Beer is too cold                                      Let it warm up

2.   Beer is not cold enough                         Put it back in the fridge

3.   Not enough beer                                    Buy or make some more

4.  Too much beer                                        Drink it faster

5.   Can or bottle doesn’t pour properly       Pop the top on the can or remove
                                                                 bottle cap

6.  Home-brew is  under carbonated            Mix it 50/50 with Michelob Ultra Light
7.  Home-brew is over carbonated             Make container as cold as possible,stand
                                                               it in a sanitize pail and open

8. Local brewpub makes bad beer                Don’t go there

9. Local brewpub makes great beer             Go there often

10. Closest brewpub is too far                      Move closer.
   from home                                               

11. Case of beer is too heavy                        Buy 12 packs.
    to carry                                                

12. 12 Pack is too heavy too carry                 Buy 6 packs,                                 

13. Prohibition makes a comeback                 Learn to home-brew

14. Doctor tells you to cut out beer                 Find a new doctor

15. Can’t decide between cans
    or bottles of same beer                             Buy both

16. Michelob Ultra is the only beer available    Buy Coca-Cola

17. Blizzard prohibits driving to liquor store       Walk there instead

18. Too long a line at beer festivals                  Look for a shorter line

19. Not enough porta-johns at a
    beer festival                                                Find a tree

20. You lose your love of beer                           See a psychiatrist

Hopefully, these handy tips will ensure a trouble free, happy life for beer lovers.


February 2020
By Dan Hodge
Someone has to say these things
and it could only be Dan!
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