Recently, I bought a new toaster, and with nothing else to do, I actually started
leafing through the little instruction/warranty booklet that came with it. As always,
there was a page entitled “Troubleshooting”, providing tips and pointers on how to
solve any problems with the appliance, the first being “toaster does not heat up”
and offering the recommended solution “be sure that it’s plugged in”. Obviously,
this would seem like a no-brainer to any sensible person, but upon reflection I
realized that probably 50% of the US population ( the same percentage that voted
for Hillary Clinton) would actually NEED that tip in order to have toast for breakfast.
Further evidence of this was the helpful “tip” I read in an article about planning for
an auto trip vacation which recommended that the gas tank be full before setting
out. Not to be forgotten was the “tip” provided by the booklet for my new snow
blower advising me to “don’t put hands into chute or under machine while machine
is running”. Without that valuable advisement, one could quickly become fingerless.
With those tips in mind, I realized that with all the beer I’ve consumed in my life, I
was never provided with any tips to make make my consumption more pleasurable,
other than instructions on how to use a church key on an early Pabst can in my
collection of breweriana .
Therefore, I figured that 50% of the population might possibly need assistance in
drinking beer and herewith proudly present “Beer My Way’s” “Troubleshooting
Beer Guide”, listing all the problems with and recommended solutions to enjoying a
1. Beer is too cold Let it warm up
2. Beer is not cold enough Put it back in the fridge
3. Not enough beer Buy or make some more
4. Too much beer Drink it faster
5. Can or bottle doesn’t pour properly Pop the top on the can or remove
6. Home-brew is under carbonated Mix it 50/50 with Michelob Ultra Light
7. Home-brew is over carbonated Make container as cold as possible,stand
it in a sanitize pail and open
8. Local brewpub makes bad beer Don’t go there
9. Local brewpub makes great beer Go there often
10. Closest brewpub is too far Move closer.
11. Case of beer is too heavy Buy 12 packs.
12. 12 Pack is too heavy too carry Buy 6 packs,
13. Prohibition makes a comeback Learn to home-brew
14. Doctor tells you to cut out beer Find a new doctor
15. Can’t decide between cans
or bottles of same beer Buy both
16. Michelob Ultra is the only beer available Buy Coca-Cola
17. Blizzard prohibits driving to liquor store Walk there instead
18. Too long a line at beer festivals Look for a shorter line
19. Not enough porta-johns at a
beer festival Find a tree
20. You lose your love of beer See a psychiatrist
Hopefully, these handy tips will ensure a trouble free, happy life for beer lovers.
Beer Raconteur, Writer and Historian